I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
