Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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