ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize