Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My nipple is on Facebook.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
