She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
