I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
