Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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