She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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