Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
