Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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