so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Couch. On fire.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize