I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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