11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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