i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
