Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize