she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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