I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
