I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
