I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
