I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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