i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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