Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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