I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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