Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
