what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
