Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
