Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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