Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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