how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
