Whod you bang
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
