just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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