My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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