Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
