Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize