i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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