I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
