Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
