I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
