I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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