Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
