he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
