At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
