M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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