She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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