I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
