mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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