YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
