So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
