One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
