Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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