I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
