theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
