i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize