I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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