he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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