I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
