hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
