no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
