return my video game
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
