i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
