I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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