This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I licked your asshole in confidence.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
