In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
