He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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