my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
