Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
