She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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