you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
