I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
