$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
