life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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