I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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